The Opposite of a Book Recommendation

My reactions to a book about being a "great wife" even while homeschooling.

I do not know how I have survived being a wife and homeschool mom for more than 20 years without this book.

Maybe I’ve been lucky.

According to the author, who we’ll call “Tim Williams” so I don’t get sued, I have been doing a lot of things wrong. A lot.

I would like to share them with you, in hopes that my fellow homeschool moms will not repeat my mistakes.

First, I would like to list and briefly comment on “Things I did not realize” that are stated in this self-help book:

1. Getting my husband to be more involved in our family, marriage, and homeschool is up to me. Apparently these things are not just expected of any good man, but things I need to personally set in motion. That sounds like it will work just peachy!

2. There are things every husband wants and there are consequences if his “wants” are not met. (p.15) We are not talking about needs here, ladies, these are just “wants.” But if he doesn’t get them- he won’t be involved in your family, marriage, or homeschool. My toddlers were never even that terrible.

3. The woman was created to be man’s “helper.” Yes, he wrote it in quotes just like that in case we “helpers” do not understand what he is saying. “Helpers voluntarily set aside their own wants, desires, and ambitions to help another accomplish HIS (emphasis mine) wants, desires, and ambitions.” (24) Nowhere does the author say this goes both ways. “Williams” says our husbands cannot be good husbands or fathers without our help. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to believe that? Hard pass.

   ---

   Quick Exegetical Moment

   I am a student of the Hebrew language and a seminary teacher’s assistant in the subject. I have taken high-level Hebrew exegesis classes. I need just a quick minute here to correct Wilson’s view of women.

   In Genesis 2, when the Scriptures describe the creation of womankind, the Hebrew text does not simply call her a “helper.” I really do not know why those parentheses are making me insane, but I said what I said. The Hebrew text describes what Adam is missing as an עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃. Transliterated “ezer conegdo,” these terms declare a woman’s strength, high caliber, and equality. Most of the uses in Scripture (only 11-12) are describing the LORD and His ability to provide deliverance. Let’s look at some examples of “ezer.”

   Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me!

   O Lord, be my “ezer”/helper. Psalm 30:10

   But surely, God is my “ezer”/ helper;

   the Lord is the upholder of my life. Psalm 54:4

The other term is “conegdo.” This translates more accurately as “partner” or “co-laborer.” This term is only found in this manner in this verse, insinuating it is a special kind of companion. The associated Greek word is used by Paul in the New Testament when he is talking about Titus. (1 Cor. 8:23) Titus is much more than a “helper” to Paul.

I have now completed my “ezer conegdo” Torah Time, and have shown it does not merely mean “helper.”

---

4. I was also created to follow my husband like a sled dog. (32) Now, let me get this straight- I love dogs. I love them. But I don’t like being compared with one, even if my hunky hubby is also a dog in this scenario. It is weird. I am not following behind him. I am traveling this journey next to him, thank you very much. TW states it is my job to follow my lead dog even when the lead dog is going in the wrong direction. He says God honors wives who do that. (33)

   This is dangerous rhetoric, folks.

5. When my husband leads even in the smallest matter- let him. “If he chooses your least favorite restaurant in the world, you’d be wise to say, ‘That sounds great.’” (38) Full disclosure, I would not be wise in the author’s eyes. Because my husband and I know each other a little, he would never suggest going to my least favorite place. But if he did, I would quickly remind him. And it would be fine. Also, do not tell me what I am “wise to say.” Please. Is there even a way that does not come off as condescending?

6. If my man is passive it is because either his overbearing mother or I “trained” him to be that way by nagging. (40-41) Once again, his behavior is anyone else’s but his own fault. And can we please ban the word “nagging?”

7. My husband can do anything he wants on the weekends and I should never “guilt him” into spending time with our family. (47) The author says to cheer him on instead to show encouragement. Listen, if I have to guilt the father of my children into family time we have some very serious problems, and nothing I can do or say can change that.

8. If I want my husband to be involved in the discipline of the children, I need to support how he disciplines no matter what. (54) Wait…what? Yes, even if he yells too loud or gives an unreasonable punishment. My job is to support him. He does give a warning- and it is to never, even in a non-confrontational way, tell your husband you would like him to be more involved. “He may feel threatened and pull himself out of the game.” Again…what? If I have to tiptoe around my husband, I should pack my bags right away.

9. I need to be satisfied (whatever that means) if my husband tells me about his day but doesn’t ask about mine. Okay, sure. Now I am just singing the Hamilton song in my head.

10. If I do not instantly encourage his every idea, my husband may hate me temporarily for popping his bubble. That’s the power I have over him. (58) He may HATE me? I have the ultimate power over all his emotions? Does the author realize how childlike and petty he is making men out to be? Most adult men I know have self-control. It is even a fruit of the Spirit.

11. If my hubby feels he is not #1, he will gravitate towards the things that make him important…like work...hobbies…friends…or….SOMEONE ELSE. (82- emphasis mine) And here it is, homeschool moms. Just as many an-evangelical women have been taught in purity culture- it is your responsibility if your husband has an affair. You probably weren’t smiling enough. Ladies- do not let this rhetoric stand anymore. Men are responsible for their own self-control. The end.

I would also like to explore some of the degrading comments TW makes about women. (Specifically homeschool moms)

1. In discussing how husbands need their wives to help them, follow them, encourage them, believe in them, admire them, and desire them (all good things), he announces, “Know what he gets instead? Drip…drip..(5x)…a dripping faucet. You may be tempted to think your husband doesn’t feel this way, but you might be surprised.” (19)

   Excuse me? How is saying this helpful to ANYONE?

2. Just a reminder of the sled-dog metaphor. Don’t ever compare women to dogs. Periodt.

3. He praised a woman who told her husband that she got “turned on” when he vacuumed. And he advised, “You can do the same.” This rhetoric turns being intimate into a transactional situation and it is gross and not at all God’s plan for true intimacy in a marriage. Oh, and afterward, “Williams” says we must thank him for being a great lover. Friends, if I said those words to my husband he would cry-laugh until he was out of breath.

4. The author implores the reader to smile again. He says we used to smile at our husbands, but now they would drop dead if they saw the corners of our mouths turn up. “Because if YOU smile more, He will be more involved with your family and in your life.” (65) Smiling can make my husband love us? Wow!

   

   AI “creepy smile”

5. “Now you’re a homeschooling mom, and homeschooling moms aren’t flirtatious or wild.” (69) Well then, sir, why do we have so many children?

6. The author brings his poor wife into the story and says, “ My wife is AFRAID (his emphasis) to touch me innocently because she’s sure I’ll take it as some kind of non-verbal cue she’s wanting more.” Can someone check on her? Seriously.

Conclusion

The book ends with a secret weapon in getting your husband to be more involved.

Are you ready?

I wasn’t ready.

HANG ON HIS ARM AND TELL HIM THAT HIS MUSCLES ARE BIG

Author: “That’s it. I’m not kidding. If you put this into practice it will transform your husband, your marriage, and your homeschool.” (89-90)

If I do this, I will *transform* my husband? This honestly makes me so sad. Men are way more nuanced than all of this. This book paints husbands to be like toddlers, unable to control their emotions or actions. This book also puts the weight of the husbands’ emotions and actions on the shoulders of the wives who are going above and beyond to homeschool their kids. Wives- if you have this book, please throw it away. You deserve to have your husband love you and cherish you and want to be with you and your children. You were created to be his strong partner, walking beside him (not behind) as you raise your children.

You are infinitely more than his “helper.”